


Cancer-Causing Agents

by Lynzee005, TipDorrit



Category: Twin Peaks
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Future Fic, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-08-22 08:10:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8278933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynzee005/pseuds/Lynzee005, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TipDorrit/pseuds/TipDorrit
Summary: There's more than one way to quit a bad habit.
Collaboration between TipDorrit and Lynzee005 looking at various ways Audrey could have quit smoking...with a little push from Agent Cooper each time!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TipDorrit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TipDorrit/gifts).



> Agent Cooper doesn't like that Audrey still smokes on occasion.

“Did you know that smoking increases your chances of developing not just lung cancer but other kinds of cancer too?” he said as he flipped the pages of the newspaper.

Audrey sipped her coffee, eyeing him over the rim of her white ceramic cup. “Hm?” she asked, even though she was absolutely certain she had heard him right the first time.

“Smoking,” he said. “Increases your chances of getting certain oral cancers--like mouth, nose, throat--but also even pancreatic and bladder and blood cancer?”

“Is that so?”

“Cervical cancer too,” he said, lifting his eyes but briefly to meet hers before flicking them back to the broadsheet in his hands.

“Only if you’re smoking them _really_ incorrectly,” she grinned. She hoped he’d catch her meaning; the flush that coloured his skin from the base of his throat to the apples of his cheeks told her that he had. 

He paused before folding the paper back together, in half once and then halving it again so it fit in a neat rectangular package that he set down next to his breakfast. His plate of food--over-hard eggs, two sausage links and a slice of crispy-fried Canadian bacon, two halves of an English muffin both buttered and smeared with the Saskatoon berry jam they’d picked up at the market the previous weekend--sat largely untouched. All he’d consumed in the twenty minutes they’d been sitting together was his coffee, and that, Audrey had noticed, had been with shaking hands. 

Something was up.

“What’s this about, Dale?” she asked him.

He picked up his fork and poked at his eggs. “Just making conversation,” he said. “Why does it have to be _about_ anything?”

Audrey knew better. “Dale, we’ve been sitting here in silence while I’ve been eating and you’ve been fidgeting with the newspaper,” she said, cocking her head to the side in that particularly feminine way that she knew drove him mad. “And now you come up with a list of cancers caused by cigarettes. Why?”

He shrugged. “Well, Audrey, I suppose my concern is for your health, that’s all.”

Audrey brushed him off. “I hardly smoke anymore.”

“But you still do,” he said. “And that’s my point.”

Audrey’s heart fluttered in her chest and she smiled in spite of herself. On the one hand, his insistence on policing her behaviours bordered on ridiculous. He’d gotten better; there was a time, not long after he’d come back from the woods, when he hadn’t let her out of his sight. And at the time she had understood his concern, considering what he’d been through. But that was years ago now; those evils had been vanquished, the only dangers remaining being of the strictly earthbound variety. His occasionally-continued, heavy-handed approach to her safety now struck her as an annoying, controlling quirk that frequently made her crazy.

On the other hand, it was terribly adorable that he worried at all. Audrey had spent so many years with no one to care for her; now, as overwhelming as his fretting could be, knowing that she kept him awake at night filled her with such tenderness towards him. In their brief time together, she had never, ever, had any cause to question his feelings for her, and she highly suspected that she never would. It was intoxicating.

Sitting across the kitchen table from him, bathed in the butterscotch sunshine of the early morning, she couldn’t help but feel that this was something different. It wasn’t simply concern for her well-being; it couldn't possibly be him trying to assert some semblance of control over a chaotic situation. What chaos was there in breakfast?

“Dale...” she cooed.

He continued to squirm, pushing his eggs around on his plate. Finally, he sighed, continuing his train of thought. “Oral cancers, reproductive cancers," he repeated himself, putting the fork down. "And this says _nothing_ about the impact of smoking on fetal development.”

Audrey giggled. “Fetal development?” she asked, before getting wise. Her eyes widened and she felt a blush in her cheek. “Dale Cooper! Are you charting my menstrual cycle again?” And then, as one her hands flew instinctively to her belly, a second question. “Is there something you want to tell me?!”

Cooper’s eyes shot up to hers, shock on his face. “No!” he protested. “No, no. Nothing like that.” He grinned a little and offered a small laugh. “Gee, Audrey...”

Audrey felt her heart continuing to race, but she slowed it with a few deep breaths. “Then what’s your angle, Special Agent?”

“Well,” he continued, before trailing off. He took a (shaky) sip from his mug of coffee. Audrey could see the vein pulsing against the side of his neck as his heart beat fast and strong. 

“Well?” she said. "Well what?"

He swallowed hard. “Well, one day, maybe...maybe one day we could...I mean, unless you don’t _want_ to…what I _mean_ to say is…someday, if you were so inclined, I thought maybe...maybe we could...”

Dumbstruck, Audrey sat back in her chair and watched as FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper blushed something fierce and continued to fidget, tripping over his words for a very long moment before shoving his hand into the inside breast pocket of his suit coat and pulling out something that fit discreetly within his closed fist. He brought it below the table so she couldn't see; he looked down at his lap, his hands moving around the object. 

"Dale?"

Agent Cooper sighed and raised his hand, producing a small velvet box, which he set on the table between them.

Audrey just stared at it. “Dale...”

As he pulled his hands back and settled them in his lap, he breathed a sigh. “Open it,” he said.

“I don’t need to.” Her eyes didn’t leave his.

He looked petrified. “You don’t _need_ to?"

“I already know I’ll like it.”

“You...do?”

“And I know that my answer is yes.”

“Yes?” 

“Yes!”

He paused. "What's the question?"

She grinned, saying nothing.

He pointed at the box. "It could be a necklace in there.”

She shook her head. “If you’re proposing with a necklace—” 

“Who said anything about proposing?”

She laughed. He laughed. And when he reached over and opened the box for her—revealing a simple but beautiful diamond ring—he reached for her hand. The ring slipped over the knuckle of her left ring finger; caught in a sunbeam, it scattered slivers of light across the table. Dale squeezed her hand.

“It fits?” he asked in a voice that barely crested above a whisper.

She nodded. “Like it was made for me.”

He pressed a kiss to her knuckles. “Audrey?”

“Yes?”

He looked at her, and she looked at him, and as the relief in his eyes turned to mischief, Audrey braced herself.

“Will you do me the honour..." he started, smiling wide, "...of going for dinner with me tonight?”

Audrey nodded, not missing a beat. “I will,” she replied. "From appetizer to dessert. Tonight, tomorrow, and for the rest of our lives."

He smiled and blew out an exaggerated breath as he wiped his hand across his brow. “Phew!” he said.

Audrey laughed, and somewhere in the distance she heard their cuckoo clock strike eight. “You’d better go,” she intoned. “You’ll be late for work.”

“Right,” he nodded. He picked up his mug of coffee and downed the last sip, then grabbed the two halves of English muffin to take with him.

Audrey stood up and put a hand on her hip. “I’ll see you tonight, Special Agent.”

He smiled wide. “Aces."

Then he bustled out of the room, grabbing his briefcase on the way, and Audrey grinned as she heard the back door slam shut, only to hear it opening again a few seconds later followed by the hollow reverberation of his dress shoes on the tile floor of the entry hall as he rounded the corner and came into the kitchen. She turned, her back to the table, and braced herself for what was coming; without a word, he swept her into his arms and kissed her.

Audrey threw her hands around his neck and held on for dear life.

“That other thing..." he said as he broke away from the kiss. "You said yes to that too, right?”

She nodded and laughed. "Yes, Agent Cooper," she told him, knowing right then and there that she'd smoked her last. "Yes, I'll marry you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank Lynzee005 for all her help with this chapter!
> 
> Anyway, welcome to amateur hour :P.

On a late, lazy, sunny, Sunday morning, Audrey Horne found herself in a situation she could hardly believe. But for the air conditioning and a lone bird chirping outside, all was silent. It was almost surreal, she thought. Here she was, lying on her side in a bed on a peaceful morning after a not-so-peaceful evening, _naked_ , with another naked person.

“Dale?” she said.

Agent Cooper turned on his side to face her. “Yes, Audrey?”

“What would I need to do to become a special agent?”

Cooper lifted himself up, leaning on his forearm. “You really want to join the FBI? Even after what happened at –?” _One-Eyed Jack’s_. His brow furrowed as if weighed down by the unspoken words.

“Yes.” Audrey said the word with such conviction – the look on her face was so determined – that he could not doubt her. Taking her in, his expression cleared. He reached to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and let his fingers trail down her neck. She sighed. “I can’t deny I bit off more than I could chew, but I learned my lesson. I’m not afraid. I’ll do it right this time, I swear.”

The corners of Cooper’s lips lifted slightly, and he brought his head back to the pillow – brought himself closer to her. “Well, if this is your decision, you should be prepared.”

Audrey beamed, and Cooper couldn’t help reflecting her expression. “Thank you,” she said, then gave him a quick kiss. Before she could resettle, he brought his arm around her waist and reeled her in a bit. She couldn’t be sure, but she thought he looked a bit dazed.

“I – I just want you to be safe.”

Audrey’s features softened. Unable to find words, she tilted her head slowly and brushed her lips against his. Cooper smiled into the kiss, and sighed. His reaction made her wonder. There was this – this – she didn’t know what it was – this _thing_ between them. What he did to her… One barely-there touch, and it was as if _her_ body wanted to become _his_ body. Sparks raced through her (static, to help them cling together). She liquefied (perhaps he could absorb her then). It made her weak, left her lungs frozen and her heart on fire. Did he feel this way?

As if he could hear her thoughts, Cooper suddenly surged forward to deepen the kiss, his hand gliding up her body and coming to rest at the nape of her neck. Audrey gave a breathless laugh. Part of her had always feared that the attraction between them was an uneven one. He always seemed so _controlled_ , while she could barely contain herself at the best of times – sometimes couldn’t at all ( _Don’t make me leave. Please_ ). But then last night (and earlier this morning) happened, and now he was kissing her, and she thought she detected something like her own desperation reflected back at her. Maybe they were on equal ground, after all. She delighted in every action that proved her insecurity wrong.

Audrey quickly became immersed, and it was only when they finally parted for air that she noticed that she was now on her back and that he was hovering over her. “First,” he said, and it took her a moment to realize why he spoke, “if you want to work at the FBI, you’ll need a degree.” He bent down and with a kiss behind her ear, began a trail of down her body.

Audrey closed her eyes and shuddered. “Oh.” She swallowed, then brought her hands up to grab her pillow. “Well, good – oh – good thing I’ll be starting college soon.”

Cooper abandoned his current activity just long enough to say, “Only two weeks. How do you feel?”

“Ex – excited. _Oh_.” After this, the conversation stalled, Cooper busy mapping her skin, Audrey busy luxuriating. Eventually, though, she managed to refocus. “What else do I have to do?” she asked.

Cooper slowed, and after a kiss above her navel, he paused. She nearly groaned at the loss, but she _had_ asked. At least she got to feel his skin against hers as he made his way back up her body.

“Second: trainees are put through a rigorous physical training program. I would consider establishing an exercise routine.” His advice gave Audrey an idea. With a mischievous smile, she rolled her hips. Cooper’s eyes closed and a moan escaped his lips. She repeated the motion, and this time, his hips met hers. When he spoke again, his voice was unsteady. “I would advise – Mm – abandoning the cigarettes. The health benefits – the – benefits – it will...”

He trailed off and pressed more insistently against her, but he had given Audrey another idea. She stopped and chewed her lip, then gently pushed at his chest so that she could get up. Bemused, Cooper sat up. Audrey rose from the bed, walked over to her purse, which had been thrown to the side hastily the night before, and rifled through it. Finally, she pulled something out and walked back to the side of the bed. The light filtering through sheer curtains reflected off her skin and eyes, making both glow. She held up the item from her purse – her pack of cigarettes – and let it fall with a dramatic thump into the small trash can beside the bed. Cooper grinned.

“Cold turkey,” she said, then made her way onto the bed again.

“I’ll hold you to that,” he responded. Audrey thrilled at his words. _I’ll hold you to that_. It suggested… Well, it meant he would be sticking around, didn’t it? She returned his grin.

“Please do. Now, Agent Cooper, do you have any other words of wisdom?”

As she spoke, Cooper resumed his old position at her navel. He traced his tongue around its circumference, then moved down to the apex of her thighs. “Third: sometimes, you will find that stealth is required. You’ll have to be very quiet.”

“How am I supposed to learn –” Audrey gasped and clutched the sheets beneath her – “Oh. Oh, I see.”


End file.
